There are as many potential Roadkill products as there are grains of sand on all the earth. OK, maybe not that much. But who’s to say there won’t be Roadkill sofas, Roadkill kitchen blenders, Roadkill toilet seats, and Roadkill knickers? Some products haven’t made it off the sketch pad yet. But some other products are currently dragging their battered bodies towards the production line.
Twitch is the first in our alternative designer plush range. But he won’t be the last. We’re currently designing Grind the Rabbit, and Splodge the Hedgehog. They’re both designer plush teddies. And both have the same blood and guts that you pull out of the carcass through side zips. They’ve only just been scooped up off the roads. So they’re still nice and fresh and maggot-free.
Grind was run over by a juggernaut on the A34, so unfortunately there wasn’t much left of him. He was chasing a butterfly onto the road when the accident happened. Smudge leaves behind 87 brothers and 103 sisters.
Splodge was run over on Silverstone racing track by Jensen Button in a formula one car. Admittedly it was quite a glamourous way to go, but all things considered Splodge would have preferred to carry on his little spikey life.
We’ve got a group of plush maggots on their way too. They’ll act as accessories that you can sprinkle over and round about your Squash-plush teddies. We haven’t given them names, as maggots themselves don’t tend have names. The maggot deed poll never worked, as maggots bred at such a rate that it was too difficult to keep tabs on them.
At the same time as developing these characters, we’re also making some other products. Pop the weasel is a door wedge. He’s made of vulcanised rubber, with a hollow mould. Inside this mould there’s a jelly sack. Jam the door on top of Pop and watch his jelly eye pop out through the eye socket. Pop was always such a helpful weasel in life, and it’s great that he can still be of use in death. It’s what he would have wanted.
Then we’ve got our products that are still splayed on our sketch pads. They’re hoping to make it into the 3D world any time soon. There’s Splodge the Hedgehog in a reincarnation as a subversive mousemat. For our purposes we’ve renamed the mousemat, the Mousesplat. The Mousesplat is made of… er… mousemat material, and has a flattened middle where you can still make out Jensen Button’s tyre mark. This flattened bit is where you run the mouse up and down. It makes doing spreadsheets a totally different experience.
The next sketch pad doodle is Fender the Fox. He’s Roadkill’s version of the nodding dog. He sits on the back shelf of the car in a charming pool of entrails and blood, and nods away to the rhythm of the car. He has an articulated head that facilitates the nodding. Fender was found on the fast lane of the M20. Having escaped the day before from the South and West Wilts hunt, he was understandably feeling a bit cocky. But only one animal has ever successfully negotiated all eight lanes of the M20, and that was Brad the Badger. Fender never made it.
And there will be many more characters scraped off the tarmac of Britain’s roads in the near future.