What do you get when you buy a Twitch plush toy?
As well as getting a sense of respect and awe from your peers, you get a number of other things. You get an opaque plastic body bag to put your plush teddy in. You get an identity tag attached to its toe, describing the where’s and when’s of its death. For the first 1000 in our squash-plush range, you’ll get limited edition toe tags that are hand-written by the designer. There. Are you satisfied?
What’s written on the toe tag then?
Well, for the first 1000 Twitch characters, the toe tags will vary. They’re all hand written by the creator. In general they have info about where the toy was run over, time of death, next of kin, name of deceased, physical details (such as height, weight etc), and a description of the vehicle that run it over. And the tag is produced and printed by the coroner’s office in Pancake City.
Is there any other kind of Roadkill merchandise?
Don’t worry, you’ll be getting much more roadkill in the near future. The next products to be scooped off the tarmac are a squashed weasel door wedge. He’s called Pop the weasel. He’s made of a type of malleable rubber, and when you jam the door on top of him his eye pops out of his head. Then there’s Grind the rabbit. He’s another squash-plush toy. Except… he’s a rabbit. And then we’re also making some roadkill accessories: some plush maggots. You can put these in and around your squash-plush toys.
Why don’t you make any female products?
Well, the female of any species is always better at crossing roads. You don’t get many runover female badgers, or hedgehogs. They’re generally more cautious, and have less bravado. Having said that our plush maggots are female.
Who makes up the Roadkill staff?
Ooh. You nosey parker. Well, there’s me, Adam Arber, the creator. Then there’s two shady figures in the background: Mike ‘The Number Cruncher’ Velcro, and Charlie ‘The Salesman’ Bradshaw. And in the spirit of equal opportunities we also employ a number of Squirrels, a Hedgehog, and a Badger to perform various menial tasks.
Do you take custom orders?
At this time we don’t take custom orders. We might do specialised versions for our nieces and nephews, but that’s about it. But if you’re willing to pay in Weapons-grade Plutonium, I’m sure we can sort something out for you.
So, where are you located?
We’re located in a dingy basement flat in West London. From this insalubrious place we soon hope to expand and conquer the known universe.
Are Roadkill products in stores?
Yes. We’ve got quite an exclusive distribution at the moment, but we’re expanding all the time. Our products are currently gracing a number of stores in London: the Play Lounge and American Retro among others. They’re also available directly from us here.
How do I order and then pay?
In our shop section, just click on a Roadkill product to view. You’ll see an ‘add to cart’ button. Click this. It will add that item to a shopping cart. Once you’ve had enough of shopping, you can ‘show cart’ at the left of each page and complete your transaction via Paypal. You can pay with Paypal funds, credit card or eCheck using Paypal. It’s nice and easy, and just like any other ecommerce site.
What’s Paypal and how does it work?
Paypal is an online service that allows people to securely send money to other people electronically. The service allows you to deposit money into an online account directly from your existing bank account. Or you can simply sign up at Paypal and use your credit card for payment as you would at an online store. You tell them who you want the money to go to with that person’s email address. You can also obtain additional information from Paypal itself.
How big is the Twitch teddy?
Twitch is lifesize. And if you’ve never met a raccoon in the flesh, then lifesize means: 10 inches wide from outstretched paw to paw and 15 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. The approximate sizes for the other products are listed under the Product Details section.
How big is the body bag?
The plastic body bag is approximately 11inches wide by 14.5 inches long. It’s airtight and hermetically sealed to stop the blood and guts oozing out.
How heavy is the Twitch teddy?
Twitch weighs roughly 280 grammes. After a heavy lunch of acorns he might weigh a bit more... say 300 grammes.
Are Roadkill products for kids or babies?
Roadkill products aren’t designed for kids under the age of 14. They aren’t toys. They are designed for big kids. The type of kids that have beer bellies and hairy shoulders. Having said that, Roadkill products are very cute, and we realise it might be quite hard to stop your kids hugging and playing with them. But if you’re worried about safety issues, check out our Safety Standards section above.
What makes Twitch so different from other teddies, then?
He’s run over to start with. So, he has all the attributes of a run over animal. He’s got a tyre print striped across his back. He’s got his eyes and tongue popping out. He’s got blood and guts that ooze out of his sides, when you unzip the zips on his flanks. All in all he’s a bit more gruesome than other teddies.
How long does it take to make a Roadkill product?
Well, we like to keep our products as tarmac-fresh and maggot-free as possible. From the time the creative process has finished and the samples have been OKed, it generally takes about 2 months in production and then another month to reach our warehouse.
How do I care for my Roadkill product?
Most Roadkill products have had a tough time of it. So any tender loving care you can give them, would be greatly appreciated. Try to keep them in their body bags as much as possible, to stop the maggots from setting in. Beware of too much wear and tear, as you pull their blood and guts out and then stuff them back in. And to extend their lives, don’t wash them. The last thing you and it wants is an eye falling off. If your Roadkill teddy gets a bit dirty, try cleaning it with a damp rag. And if a friend stops by who smokes, and you just can’t get the damned stink out of your Roadkill teddy, just try a fabric spray. And hey presto, a fresh-smelling Roadkill teddy.
Where did you come up with the names of the various Roadkill products?
We tried to get a sense of the morbid and macabre into all the Roadkill names. We wanted the names to be as descriptive as possible. There’s Twitch, Grind, Pop, Splodge, Fender, Smudge, Pulp, Puddle, and Gristle. And if you think you could do better, why don’t you send us your ideas.
Will my grandma like Roadkill?
Well, that’s a tough question. Generally speaking, no. We did a lot of research. And we found that first impressions for the older generation, were either a heart attack, a flaring up of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or a profound disappointment in the mores of modern society. We don’t think they’ll be making the front cover of the Oldie Magazine. But having said that, the lady who made the first Roadkill teddy sample was an elderly lady from Derbyshire. She loved the idea, and we ended up having to rein her in a bit.
My Twitch teddy is hurt. What do I do?
Are you a teddy abuser? Have you pulled something off or ripped a seam? Maybe the eye fell off? Well, wear and tear is bound to happen. Especially to a teddy as cute and cuddly as Twitch. We suggest two things. Either find someone with a needle and thread, and try to match the colours to the original. Or keep it more as an Objet D’Art, or a coffee table talking piece… and don’t play with it too much!
How should I display my Roadkill Product?
Roadkill isn’t really the kind of teddy you’d have tucked into bed with you. It looks best displayed on the mantelpiece or on a coffee table. Bin your china teapot collection and bric-a-bracs and put your Roadkill teddy in pride of place. Keep it where people can see it. And then, when there’s an uncomfortable gap in the conversation, it’s quite a good talking point.
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