Twitch’s Obituary
Twitch, after a head on collision with a green Ford Mondeo on the A369 westbound, died on 17th March 2007 aged 5. Twitch was born on 25th November 2002. He was educated at Raccoon Finishing School, Berks 2002-2004, where he excelled at playing dead. Twitch dedicated his life to foraging for acorns and sniffing his genitalia. Twitch is survived by his beloved parents Randie and Zilda Raccoon, from Sidcup Kent. His best friend Grind The Rabbit will be holding a funeral service at King Charles the Martyr, Basingstoke.
Curriculum Vitae
Name: Twitch Occupation: Raccoon
Date of Birth: 25/11/2002
Education: Raccoon Finishing School, Berks 2002-2004.
Skills: Being able to play dead. Eating own bodyweight in acorns.
Hobbies: Sniffing own privates.
Certificate of Death
Name: Twitch the Raccoon.
Date of Birth: 25/11/2002
Date of Death: 17/03/2007
Place of Death: A369 Westbound
Cause of Death: A green Ford Mondeo
Next of Kin: Grind the rabbit
Last Known Address: A rusty bucket in Moors Farm, Wilts.
Grind’s Obituary
Grind passed away on 3rd June 2007 aged 4, after being flattened by a Skandia Juggernaut on the A34 southbound. Born on 3rd August 2003, Grind was educated at Barley Buck’s Special Needs School, where he excelled at hopping and basketweaving. Grind was a dedicated and valued member of the Worcester Communist Organisation for 2 years. Grind is survived by 51 brothers, 83 sisters, 154 cousins, 211 nephews and 179 nieces (at time of press). A short service will be held at St Bartholomew’s Methodist Church, little Dorking. All inquiries to his best friend Splodge the Hedgehog, 01892 522 429.
Curriculum Vitae
Name: Grind
Occupation: Rabbit
Date of Birth: 03/08/2003
Education: Barley Buck’s Special Needs School, 2003-2005
Skills: Hopping
Hobbies: Hopping
Certificate of Death
Date of Birth: 03/08/2003
Date of Death: 03/06/2007
Place of Death: A34 southbound (the fast lane)
Cause of Death: Skandia juggernaut
Next of Kin: Splodge the hedgehog
Last Known Address: Cranky’s burrow, little Dorking
Splodge’s Obituary
After a freak accident on Silverstone Racetrack involving Jensen Button’s Honda, Splodge passed away on 14th July 2007, aged 2. The beloved son of Nigel and Sally Hedgehog, Splodge was born on 29th April 2005. He was educated at Herts College, where he took an NVQ in joinery. Very popular in the hedgerows of Hertfordshire, Splodge loved indulging his hobbies of rollerblading and kite-flying. His next of kin, Pop the Weasel, will be holding a private ceremony for close friends at Moors Farm, Bracklebury, on 23rd July 2007. Bread and milk will be laid on.
Curriculum Vitae
Name: Splodge
Occupation: Hedgehog
Date of Birth: 29/04/2005
Education: NVQ in joinery from Herts College
Skills: Eating peas and blowing them out through his nose.
Hobbies: Rollerblading and socialising
Certificate of Death
Date of Birth: 29/04/2005
Date of Death: 14/07/2007
Place of Death: Silverstone Racetrack
Cause of Death: Jensen Button, in his Formula 1 Honda.
Next of Kin: Pop the weasel
Last Known Address: An empty milk carton, outside the Lidl store, Sidcup
Pop’s Obituary
28th May 2007, Pop was hit by a sky-blue Robin Reliant on the B23 just outside Scunthorpe and passed away shortly thereafter. Pop was raised in various orphanages, after his parents died in a tragic caravanning accident, when he was 6 months old. From 2005-2007, Pop went through Borstead Correction Institute. This is where he learnt the skills of lock-picking and fertiliser bomb-making. Pop has no known kin. A funeral service will be held on 10th June 2007 at Our Lady In The Field, Whalley Range.
Curriculum Vitae
Name: Pop
Occupation: Weasel
Date of Birth: Unknown
Education: Borstead Correction Institute, 2005-2007
Skills: Picking the locks on chicken coops.
Hobbies: Pulling the wings off blue bottle flies. Eating his own poo.
Certificate of Death
Date of Birth: Unknown
Date of Death: 28/05/2007
Place of Death: B23 just outside Scunthorpe
Cause of Death: A sky-blue Robin Reliant
Next of Kin: Fender the fox
Last Known Address: A tin bin in Whalley Range, Manchester
Fender’s Obituary
Fender, after being hit by a purple Vintage Volvo on the M20 Northbound, died on 12th June 2007 aged 8. Born in Amersham on 12th June 1999, he had an illustrious schooling. After graduating from Exeter University with a First Class Honours degree in musicology, Fender dedicated his life to achieving a peace treaty in the Middle East. He was also a vociferous campaigner for Chicken Rights. He will be terribly missed by his sister Anastasia. An intimate service will be held at Canterbury Cathedral, July 2nd 2007. All inquiries to Smudge the Squirrel, 07949038656.
Curriculum Vitae
Name: Fender
Occupation: Fox
Date of Birth: 12/06/1999
Education: Exeter University
Skills: Playing the piano, Grade 4. Licking his eyes
Hobbies: A vociferous campaigner for Chicken Rights
Certificate of Death
Date of Birth: 12/06/1999
Date of Death: 12/06/2007
Place of Death: The fast lane of the M20, Northbound
Cause of Death: Whilst escaping from the South and West Wilts hunt he was run over by a purple, vintage Volvo
Next of Kin: Smudge the squirrel
Smudge’s Obituary
Smudge was flattened by an American B52 bomber at Brize Norton, Oxfordshire. He later died at the Radcliffe Infirmary, Oxford on 15th August 2007, aged 5. Smudge was born on 6th January 2002, the beloved son of Xerxes and Tracy Squirrel. At an early age he went into the Forestry Commission, where he dedicated his life to the protection and proliferation of the Yew tree. He was also an integral part of the Banbury Close Harmony Choir, and was admired and liked by the other choristers. A memorial service will be held at the Banbury Music Hall on 25th August 2007. All inquiries to Skid the Badger, at
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Curriculum Vitae
Name: Smudge
Occupation: Squirrel
Date of Birth: 06/01/2002
Education: Forestry Commission Trainee Corps
Skills: Shelling acorns. Arithmetic.
Hobbies: Close harmony singing.
Certificate of Death:
Date of Birth: 06/01/2002
Date of Death: 15/08/2007
Cause of Death: A landing B52 bomber, Brize Norton, Oxfordshire.
Next of Kin: Skid the Badger.
Grill’s Obituary
Grill passed away on 3rd August 2013 after a fatal collision with a Ford Hurricane Luxury Motor Home on Route 66. He was the only surviving son of Billy Bob and Mary Sue Armadillo, from Two Guns, Arizona. Born on 13th December 1999, he had a tough childhood, living in a succession of trailer parks and motels. From such humble beginnings, Grill discovered an aptitude for astrophysics. He joined researchers at the Lowell Observatory, where he mapped 5 planets in the Andromeda system and found the 359th decimal place of π. Combinatorial mathematics is a poorer and more boring place without him. In his spare time, Grill was also an avid trampoliner. An intimate service for close relatives and friends will be held at The Jesus H. Christ Chapel by the Reverend Elvis K.Kranthorpe III.
Curriculum Vitae
Name: Grill
Occupation: Armadillo
Date of Birth: 12/13/99
Education: Early schooling on trailer parks and a travelling circus, before an extended internship at the Lowell Observatory.
Skills: Astronomy. Astrophysics. Combinatorial Mathematics. Trampolining.
Hobbies: Glazed bread sculpting. Digging holes. Rolling up tight and pretending to be a basketball.
Certificate of Death:
Date of Birth: 12/13/99
Date of Death: 8/3/13
Place of Death: Westbound, Route 66. At Two Guns, Arizona.
Cause of Death: A Ford Hurricane Luxury Motor Home.
Next of Kin: Smudge the Squirrel.
Last Known Address: A repurposed dog kennel at the Lowell Observatory, Flagstaff.
